Uncertain Certainties

As some of you are aware, Alien Wally and Mags currently spend their Sunday afternoons poking inquisitively around other people’s houses. Legally. It’s called House-Hunting, you see.

Those of you who have been through this before will be familiar with Estate Agent Speak, where every suburb is “popular” or “sought after”, even those that many Edinburghians will tell one in hushed tones never ever to enter, especially after dark. Unless you’re wearing a hoodie and carrying a bottle of Buckfast, that is. What is also fascinating about Estate Agent Speak, however, are what Alien Wally and Mags have started referring to as The Uncertain Certainties. A prime example is “May require modernisation”. Because, the estate agent just never knows… perhaps you do want to live in a house that looks like a throwback to the 50s. And not in a nice, stylish retro way either. More like in a "this-house-hasn’t-been-cleaned-since-the-50s" way.

But The Uncertain Certainties are not only confined to Estate Agent Speak. Oh no. They seem to turn up anywhere that (m)advertising takes place. For example, what on earth were Carlsberg thinking when they decided that they were only “probably the best lager in the world”? Because they just don’t know… they might be the best, they might not be, they just don’t know….

And lastly, a special mention has to go to the Royal Bank of Scotland, who proudly announce to their customers on their website that “[they] deserve a better bank”. Perhaps we do, RBS, perhaps we do….

Now, RBS, who would you suggest we transfer our money to? Who will give us the best deal on our mortgage towards our purchase of a house that may or may not require modernisation? We’ll celebrate your answer by drinking Carlsberg… only probably the best for us, that’s for sure! Or is it?