Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds

When Alien Wally and Mags were first informed that their flat had been broken into, prior to knowing what, if anything, had been stolen, one of their first thoughts was “Please don’t let the wee buggers have stolen the Nick Cave tickets”. Thankfully, the tickets remained safe, and Alien Wally and Mags were able to see Nick Cave and The Bad Seeds in concert on Sunday night. Brilliant. Simply brilliant. Nick Cave rocks.


Some observations, completely unrelated to the music, but which Mags can’t help making (she does this – don’t ask why, she just does):

* Nick Cave is tall. During the pre-show crew-milling-about-the-stage-looking-busy phase, various technicians checked the lead microphone. None of them could reach it without standing on tippy-toes. None of them looked particularly small. Yet none of them adjusted the mic downwards. Mags was wondering how Nick Cave was going to cope. Until he came out onto stage, that is, and the mic proved to be at the perfect height. Nick Cave really does stand head and shoulders above others.

* Nick Cave is allowed to point at the audience. Nick Cave can get away with it. Because he’s Nick Cave, that’s why. Audience members, however, should refrain from pointing at the stage in time to the music. Ordinary concert-goers just can’t get away with it. Because it looks silly, that’s why.

* Warren Ellis, also commonly known in the Wally household as The Mad Fiddler, shall henceforth be referred to as The Prophet. Give him a robe, stick a sign in his hand saying “Repent all ye sinners – the end is nigh!” and he wouldn’t be out of place evangelizing on a street corner. See, Warren Ellis now has A Beard. What Warren Ellis also has, is a corner of the stage all to himself where he can do his own thing in his own unique way. Warren Ellis is cool.


* Suits should always be worn in the way the Bad Seeds wear them. Nary a pink shirt in sight. Mags doesn’t like pink shirts. Or pink ties. Or ties in general actually. Blech. (An aside: Want to know the deciding factor in Mags’ choice of high schools back when she was making such decisions? Out of the three she was considering, she finally went to the one that didn’t require her to wear a tie. Plus the uniform was blue. Blue is good, people. Let this be a lesson to you on how to make important life decisions.)

How To Go To John o’ Groats And Back In A Day (With A Detour Via Ullapool)

Get up really early in the morning

Alien Wally and Mags usually sleep in late on Saturday mornings. And Sunday mornings. And even sometimes during the week, when the snooze button can be pushed to the limit and then some.

But, on Going-On-Holiday Day, there is no snoozing. Places to go and people to see means that Alien Wally and Mags can overcome their natural slothness and actually jump out of bed at 04:00. Okay, so jump out of bed may be a bit of an exaggeration. More like an ooze and a stumble and a crawl and a yawn or three or ten. But up they did get, beating the sun, and they were out the door by 04:30.

Live in a small country

Scotland may be the best small country in the world, but by definition it is therefore a Small Country. Which means that Alien Wally and Mags can leave Edinburgh at 04:30 and have breakfast in Inverness at 07:30 and be in John o’ Groats by 11:00 without even breaking any speed limits. The far north of Scotland isn’t so far, after all.

Spend five minutes looking around John o’ Groats itself

Okay, so Alien Wally and Mags had to go there. They’ve been to Lands’ End, and had to see the opposite end of the country. But it turns out that there’s not that much to see. John o’ Groats is a bleak and windy place, fascinating in its bleakness, and yet ultimately kind of boring in its bleakness. Did Mags mention that it’s bleak?

A short distance from John o’ Groats, the natural scenery is a tad more interesting in the form of the Stacks of Duncansby.

And a slightly further distance from John o’ Groats is Dunnet Head, the most northerly point of the UK mainland, another bleak place, offering panoramic views of the bleak bog that leads up to it. Driving through the far north and north-east of Scotland feels like driving through a world leached of its colour.

Drive round the north west of Scotland and down to Ullapool

The scenery around the north-west of Scotland starts to get a bit more interesting – snow covered mountains, sparkling lochs and greenery. Luckily Mags doesn’t get car sick, otherwise Alien Wally’s joyful driving around the many twists and turns of the single-track road may not have been so joyful after all.

Eventually the road leads down to Ullapool, a stunningly pretty town on the banks of Loch Broom. Ullapool is the gateway for ferries to many of the western isles, and Alien Wally and Mags marveled at the size of the boat that was just starting on its journey to Stornoway. The Lord of the Isles that took them to Mull paled in comparison!

Then… Have some Neds break into your flat

Yes, folks. Crime happens in Scotland too. Alien Wally and Mags had just settled into a pub in Ullapool when they got The Call. Luckily (or unluckily, if Alien Wally’s glum expression was anything to go by), Alien Wally had only had two sips of his pint, so he was able to drive back to Edinburgh. Mags, on the other hand, decided that some alcohol-induced courage was required to deal with the situation, and downed her vodka orange.

After explaining the situation to the guest house owner, who very kindly refused to take any payment for the room, Alien Wally and Mags were back in the car and heading for home. Although it had taken them the full day to get to Ullapool, given their detour via the north of Scotland, Ullapool is in fact only an hour’s drive from Inverness and so they were able to get home by 22:30 that night… not planned, yet proof that one can go to John o’ Groats and back in a day!

Postscript: The amazing bouncable PS3!

Alien Wally and Mags’ next door neighbour is usually a quietish lad. However, last Saturday, faced with two teenage boys breaking into Alien Wally and Mags’ flat, he found his inner beserker and beset upon the two young Neds with a golf club. Unfortunately, the teenaged criminals got away, taking only the PS3 with them as they scarpered. In their haste to escape the Avenging Neighbour, they dropped the PS3 as they fled over the fence, causing it to fall approximately three metres as it bypassed ground level and landed in the lower ground level parking lot. It bounced, and then all was still. The police carefully bagged it up and returned it to Alien Wally and Mags later that night.

After the PS3 was dusted for prints the next morning, Alien Wally tentatively plugged it in, expecting the worst. After all, the case looked a bit scronked, and even though the visible damage was mostly at the back where it could be ignored, who knew what had happened to its innards? But it worked. And continues to work. Bet Sony never thought bouncability was a feature!

Q: What Do Painters Talk About While They’re Working?

A: Their underwear.

Q: How on earth did Mags come by this pertinent piece of information?

A: The metal balcony railings on Mags and Alien Wally’s block of flats are currently being repainted. As Mags sat working in her office one day, the blinds angled so that she could see out but the painters couldn’t see in and didn’t know she was there, she got to overhear their conversation.

Q: So, pray tell… what underwear do painters wear?

A: Long-johns.

Q: Why?

A: Because it’s April in Scotland….

The Other Other Castle

Mags has been pondering this entry for a while. What does she say about Edinburgh Castle? She could, of course, open a thesaurus and list various superlatives – beautiful, magnificent, splendid, stunning, superb, breathtaking, majestic, impressive… and so on ad infinitum. But surely that would get boring after a while?

So she asked Alien Wally what she should write about their visit to the Castle. His reply: “Tell them we went to the Castle and here are some pictures.”

Hmmm. Not very helpful then. So Mags pondered some more. And still more. No creative juices flowing this last week it seemed. And in the meantime, MacNoodle fans were getting impatient waiting for their favourite blog.

So Mags officially Gives Up. And reluctantly takes Alien Wally’s advice… We went to the Castle. Here are some pictures:

Beam Me Up, Scotty.

Mags has always known that the aliens were coming to get her. She just didn’t know that they were so close. She should have twigged, of course…. Alien Wally. Alien. Wally. So obvious, in retrospect. Hindsight is always 20/20. But then, Mags’ eyesight is so bad that without contact lenses she can’t see her hand in front of her face. She didn’t stand a chance. This is obviously how Alien Wally managed to sneak in a funny fluffy thing from his home planet to keep an eye on Mags during the day when he’s out at work.

Martini. Vesper Martini.

At least once in one’s life, one has to try the original, dinkum James Bond martini. Alien Wally and Mags have now had one of these twice. Er, had two of these once. Er, had one of these once and then another one once again on another occasion. Or something like that. They are therefore now highly qualified to provide you with the following warning should you wish to shake (not stir) this classic cocktail yourself: Try this at home. At least there, the only people to witness you crawling about on the floor, desperately trying to get your sea legs while the ground beneath you pitches about like a ship caught in a hurricane, are your partner who loves you dearly in sickness and in health, in drunkenness and next day hangovers, and your cat, who already knows that she is vastly superior to you, and doesn’t care what you’re up to anyway as long as the central heating is on and her bed is in front of the radiator.

The cocktail book was not kidding when it described this drink as containing “enough alcohol to floor a rhino”. What Mags wants to know though, is how 007 managed to raise his Golden Gun after consuming one of these…?

The Other Castle

Craigmillar Castle. It’s the other castle in Edinburgh. It’s pretty much right in the middle of the ‘burb of Craigmillar (funny that, who would have guessed?!). It’s pretty much on a hill. Yet, owing to some trickery of light, some cunning planting of trees, and of course the effects of living in a holographic universe, it’s pretty much invisible until you’re right on top of it. Alien Wally and Mags didn’t even know it was there until they, along with all residents of Edinburgh, got vouchers for free visits to both castles.

Even though it’s missing a roof and a floor here and there, it’s a lovely castley castle, with lots of nooks and crannies to explore. And once you have wended your way to the top, the panoramic views are incredible, including the one of Edinburgh Castle (the other other one, that is, the one everyone knows about).